My Dog is a Dirty, Rotten Traitor

Captain told on me last night.

We have a secret, the two of us. See, since he’s the worst shedder in the history of dogs that shed (I’m not kidding. Don’t even try to tell me your dog/cat/husband sheds more. It’s just not true) he is no longer allowed to sleep in the bed with Zack and myself. We came to that conclusion together and, really, it’s for our own sanity. You can only wake up and go in for a good morning kiss to discover your significant other has a plethora of white hairs on their lips so many times. He’s happy in his own bed, anyway. I got him a huge, fluffy, comfy bed that I’m tempted to curl up in for a mid-day nap myself. The other benefit is that the bedroom door is in plain view from his bed so his midnight growl-attacks at the shadows of the house no longer require that he climb out of bed.

Oh yes, the secret. Whenever Zack works out of town, works nights, or even works late, Captain and I snuggle up in bed. This is much easier done when Zack is out of town, of course, but it still works when he comes home at 3am or so. I always lock the bedroom door when he’s not home because, you know, burglars and thieves and rapists and such. This works out to my benefit. When Zack knocks, Captain jumps out from under the covers barking and I do a frantic sweeping of the bed to get all residual dog hair out of sight.

Zack is none the wiser.

Captain, he’s smart I tell you. Zack crawls in bed, Captain gets in his, and we peer at each other, me hiding a smile. He knows cuddle time is only when Zack’s not here. I swear when he’s looking at me from his bed he’s even given me the occasional wink.

Last night Zack worked until 5am. When he got home he knocked, Captain jumped, I swept. All was normal. Then Captain, in his excitement to see Zack, jumped on the bed, raced to the other side, and hopped off.

Zack stared at him in wonderment. I feigned surprise, saying “What the… did he just…? Well I never.”

Zack laughed and picked Captain up, saying ‘What were you thinking?’ and gave him a kiss. When he set him down, Captain hopped right back up on the bed (with his back to me, mind you) and looked at Zack. He cocked his head to one side as if to say, ‘What? I do this all the time.’

That’s when Zack knew something was up. His eyes narrowed. He looked at me. He shook his head.

“You’ve been letting him sleep in the bed, haven’t you?”

Well, Captain, you may be laughing now but the last laugh’s on you. Rat me out and no more bed for you! Ha. That’ll show you.


Um, ok… I take it back. How can I stay mad at a cutie like that?

PS I’m not the only offender. Nope, Zack, you can act innocent all you want, but the truth is… I have photographic evidence (insert evil laugh)


About Unladylike Behavior

I’m a 24-year-old living oxymoron, an adventurous bookworm who loves to dress up and play in the dirt. I grew up in a small town in the wine country of California, population 3,000, moved to Sacramento in 2010, lasted 6 months before I moved to a small town on the outskirts of Sacramento area, population 2,000. I write about my life with my own brand of humor. Some would look at the events I write about as mundane. I, however, look at these day-to-day happenings as humorous, wonderful little gifts just waiting to be polished.
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10 Responses to My Dog is a Dirty, Rotten Traitor

  1. Oh the bugger! He totally gave your secret away!!!

    I don’t think my dog is that smart, but she might be…

    hehe love the post!

  2. Mika says:

    Isn’t that just like a cutie of a dog to rat you out. It’s never the ugly ones (so you might stay mad at them) but where would we be without our animals? I mean, if nothing else we keep 3M and other lint roller companies in business. :)

    Wonderful post!

  3. Oh sweet baby Jesus! That pic of the two of them is priceless! I have a ton of my husband with the cat (and then + baby after she came along) passed out together on the couch and in bed. You have to love the furry ones even when they betray you!!

  4. Ada says:

    Geez, you’d think a dog that winks at you from his own bed would know better than to rat you. At least you’re not a lone offender!

  5. Hahaha… cute.
    Our 2 dogs sleep with us. Stella sleeps between my legs and the nights that I’m away from home, I really miss it – it’s such a part of my routine now! LOL

  6. Sara says:

    Ohmygod, the picture of them sleeping together just made my heart melt. Ovaries ruined.

  7. Captain is so adorable sleeping. Like an angel-doggie. Yea, I agree who could stay mad at him for longer than three seconds with a face that cute!

  8. Jeanette says:

    Captain is such a lovey dog but sorry he is stuck in his dog bed here.

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