Attack of the Telemarketers

The telemarketers are out somethin’ fierce today.

I don’t mind the people who cold-call and are polite. I really don’t. Hey, everyone needs a job, and honestly I feel bad for them. Imagine having to call all those people every day and getting the reaction they get. People telling you to go to hell, people yelling at you, etc. I know it would wear me down. What I can’t stand is the pushy people and the people who lie. I had a phone call this morning that you could tell from the get go was a telemarketer phone call. I should also mention that, because the guys who work here work with extremely large equipment that would be dangerous to walk away from they aren’t allowed to take personal phone calls unless it is an honest to goodness emergency. Most of them have cell phones with them in that case.  

The phone rings.
 “Thank you for calling, this is Amber.”
“I need to speak to Doug Newmire.” (Said in an extremely thick accent)
“Is this a personal phone call?”
“No this is… an emer-eh- gency
call.”
“Ok, sir, I’m going to need to take down the emergency and relay it to him. What is the nature of the emergency?”
“… … … I need… to speak with him.”
“Well, he’s working on the floor and I can’t pull him away at the moment, can I relay a message for you?”
“This is OFF-EE-SUR David and I have a LEE-GUL matter of needing to discussion.”

Uh huh, I bet you are. I should also mention that this guy calls several times a week. He changes his story each time. Sometimes he a lawyer, sometimes he’s an officer.

The next phone call was another regular of ours.

“Thank you for calling, this is Amber.”
“Yes ma’am, I call you today from US Pharmacy. I need a Mr. Smith.”
“This is a place of business. Can you please take us off your calling list?”
“…I do not understand.”
“Please stop calling us.”
“I cannot understand you.”
“DO NOT CALL US ANYMORE.”
“… I do not understand.”
{expletive}{expletive} “Can I talk to your manager. Please.
“… … Do you need any Xanax or other medication?”

In their defense, I did sound a bit high-strung by the end of the phone call.
(Image borrowed from this photobucket album)

My dad, Toby, has a different approach to telemarketers. His phone calls typically went like this:

“Hello, is Toby there?”
“Who is this!”
“My name is Reggie, is Toby available?”
“Well this is Toby’s brother in law. Who is this??!”
 “Reggie, from Insuarance, Inc…”
“No it’s not. Do you know Toby? Do you know where he is?”
“Uh, no, sir… I’m calling from an insurance provider.”
“Toby ran off last week. Left his wife and kids. Tell me where he is!”
“…did Toby leave any credit cards behind?”

By the way, that’s a true story. I guess the telemarketer wanted to help get even with Toby.

My mom decided to try out my dad’s approach once.

“Hello, is Toby there?”
“Toby… Toby left me!
“Oh! He did?”
“Yes. He left me. And the kids! He, uh… he had an affair!
“Oh, Jeanette, I’m so sorry!”
“Uh… who it this?”
“It’s Linda. I’m helping the grocery store in town make calls to support their remodel. Oh, Jeanette, are you ok?”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how rumors begin. Be careful what you tell a telemarketer.

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About Unladylike Behavior

I’m a 24-year-old living oxymoron, an adventurous bookworm who loves to dress up and play in the dirt. I grew up in a small town in the wine country of California, population 3,000, moved to Sacramento in 2010, lasted 6 months before I moved to a small town on the outskirts of Sacramento area, population 2,000. I write about my life with my own brand of humor. Some would look at the events I write about as mundane. I, however, look at these day-to-day happenings as humorous, wonderful little gifts just waiting to be polished.
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14 Responses to Attack of the Telemarketers

  1. Kimberly says:

    Bahahahahhaa!!! Awesome! At home, I don’t answer the phone if it’s a 1-800 number, and I have caller ID at work so I screen my calls here too. 1-800 number? You can leave a message for me.

  2. LOL! That is so funny! That stupid pharmacy guy calls here too!
    Also, we are 1 number off from a local doctor. Last week some guy told me he hadn’t had a bowel movement in 3 days. My ears are still bleeding.

  3. Maya says:

    My aunt used to tell telemarketers that her husband left her for another woman or that he died. I always thought I’d like to try that one day but am such a coward :)

  4. lexy3587 says:

    When a guy kept insisting that he needed to talk with my father (who wasn’t home), and wouldn’t leave a number to reach him at (just tell me when I should call back), claiming it was really important and related to his banking information, I basically told him to fuck off. Then I sat in dread until my dad got home so that I could confirm with him that he didn’t konw a Ted Smith (or whatever his name was) working for company X. I was dreading finding out that I’d just torn a strip off my parents’ business associates. Luckily he was just one of those people trying to rob you via phone-call.

    • Haha, I’ve done that before! First you feel a rush of excitement at telling them off, then dread creaps in as you wonder if you did, indeed, do the right thing. I’ve done that with phone calls for the owner of the company before.

  5. MommaC says:

    Oh I am soooo glad I am not the only one who messes with them! This post had me in stitches!

    My daughter answers the phone in Spanish, as she has near fluency from schooling. She then proceeds to order food for carry out, then hangs up.

    I often ask them to hold on while I go find the person they are calling for and set the kitchen timer for 5 minutes. If they are there after the timer goes off, I tell them please continue to hold just a few minutes more, because the walker is hard for him/her to get up the stairs and we don’t have a cordless. After another 5 minute timer, I usually have lost them.

    The best one was the Republican Party calling for my dead grandfather, daily, even though I had told them he had passed away. Finally one wise-ass said he would make note of the death and then asked me if I was interested in taking over my grandfather’s donation spot with my inheritance! I replied that I got no money from the will AND that I was a Democrat and therefore had no interest in doing so. He said it really did not matter what party I was with — so long as I donated to the Republican one! I laughed, hung up and laughed some more.

    I have enjoyed your blog since I found it recently and look forward to more good laughs!

  6. Oh man, telemarketers are the worst. My wonderful husband likes to mess with them too. Except it sometimes backfires. Like when we got a phone call from Apple (we had caller ID so knew it was Apple before my husband picked up), and Brandon proceeded to jump right into dialogue with the caller, thinking it was a telemarketer before the caller had a chance to say a word:
    “I won! I won! I won! I’ve waited so long for you to call! I am so excited, I never win anything! I can’t wait to come pick the laptop up, I can come now, I’ll be there in a moment . . .” and was about to hang up the phone when the voice on the other line said,
    “Uh, sorry this is Luke’s dad calling for Mrs. Craig, I was hoping to speak to her regarding his grades . . . I’m sorry I don’t have a free computer for you.”

    Doh.

  7. whoops – logged in under my “new” blog that I’m working on. This is Heidi btw. lol

  8. jen says:

    hey found your blog from 20sb.net =)
    I’m following!
    If you want to follow mine also:
    http://jenniferscavone.blogspot.com

    Ciao!

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